On Holding Myself Back
It’s funny, when you sit down thinking you are going to start a gargantuan project like starting a book….. I have personally attempted to write my personal collection of stories since I was a child. I have always been the kind of girl who puts things on paper- writing is cathartic and helps me personally sort through what I am going through in my internal world. Over the years, I have been told I would write a book by those who knew me and by strangers who did not know me, stirring a dream within my most private internal self. If you are like me, you know that the dream will stir and then, as it is ignored, drop off and out of our awareness until the next reminder from ourselves, our environment, or the people around us. In the remembering of the dream, we are reminded that our dreams never die or go away- they are shelved for later until we either have the capacity or the clarity to move forward and pursue them. Capacity is essential- because to realize a goal, we must learn how to stay within our bodies and step into our Embodiment. Sometimes clarity is gained in an instant. Other times, it is as we build the foundations for our dreams that we begin to know HOW we are supposed to obtain the end result.
There are several schools of thought about forward movement, and trying to do the thing. Depending on where and how you were raised, you were probably taught that in order to do the impossible thing (to get the thing you want)- you needed to push forward and work as hard as you can. This school of thought- perpetuated within our workplaces, our communities, and ultimately our own personal worlds by Capitalism and Religion celebrates a Wounded Masculine point of view most people do not realize they are operating within. When the obtainment of the desire, the dream and the goal becomes how we define our Worth, we enter the danger zone of losing how we see ourselves and how we interact with our Communities and the World around us- including the people we interact with on a daily basis. We begin to operate from a place that says “if we do this, we will feel worthy of this thing”. We pursue, focus and hyperfixate on doing what we feel is essential for us to feel worthy. The need for perfection begins to take over as we script how the thing is supposed to look and feel to us in order to call the thing “successful”.
As we continue to push ourselves to prove we are good enough, we further divorce ourselves from the truth that no matter if the desire, dream or goal is realized- our Worth is inherent. We are enough whether we do the thing or not. When we are able to take a step back from moving forward and when we begin to remember that our Worth is not tied to what we have or how we defined ourselves or if we have achieved the thing- we realize that within the pushing forward we are really moving further away from the thing we want to create the most. The more self awareness we are able to step into of our inner world and inner patterns, the more we see that the places where we feel shame and less than are places and opportunities to meet ourselves more fully. We begin to relax into timing, allowing things to be and slowly releasing the reins we have on the control we have needed for so long to feel safe. Our sense of safety begins to recalibrate- moving from something that is needed externally to something found internally within our bodies that we have been taught to ignore by the World around us.
My journey has been a return to Wholeness. I was born complete and whole. I was raised in a world that asked me, and asks you, to hide who we are and who we are meant to be. To be whole asks us to live inside our Authenticity and Integrity, to fully accept ourselves for who we are- in our fullest expression our Duality- embracing the thoughts, the emotions, and our judgements of ourselves. Light and dark create the whole, and it is only by operating from this place of Wholeness that we can move through the things we view as obstacles we run into on the way to achieving our dreams, desires and goals. When we learn to show ourselves grace, compassion and acceptance, we learn how to hold the same space for others around us. While we must be able to operate from the place of Duality- because our entire world operates from a place of duality (us vs them, light and dark). Operating from a place of wholeness embraces who we are- uniquely ourselves- and the place that recognizes the same piece of Humanity-that piece that is the Soul- runs through us all and is within us all. No matter how different we might seem to be on the outside, inside we are the same. We share the same fears, the same limiting beliefs, the same emotions and thinking patterns. As we begin to identify our own nuances and who we are internally beyond the personality and the body- the more we are able to See ourselves in all of our complexity, the more able we are to see others in theirs.
Returning to Wholeness is a Journey of the Heart. The Heart is the center of the body and drives all the bodily functions. When Awakening through Relationships- and developing Mediumship is developing relationships with others- learning to operate from the Heart becomes central to our own Healing and how we live our life. The prescence we learn to develop when Sitting becomes the prescence we bring to our individual Worlds.
Mavis Patilla shared a story in her book Droplets of God a conversation between herself and her mentor, Gordon Higgonson. They were driving home after working that weekend doing demonstrations in the South of England, and she was recounting a demonstration she had done in Belfast, Ireland. Ireland has had a history of internal conflict, leading to violence and countless deaths. She recounted a reading she had done during a demonstration where a woman’s son had come through who had been a member of the IRA and who had died in a fight. The young man asked her to convey to his mother that he had done the right thing, and he had sacrificed his life for a just cause. Two days later, another son who had fought for the Protestants came through during a demonstration for his mother- the opposite side of the conflict for my American people who are not familiar with Irish History. He told his Mother he had died a hero, defending his country and his faith.
As Mediums, we are asked to set our opinions, ideas and convictions aside for the Sitter and to deliver clear messages from their Loved Ones on the Other Side. One of the hardest lessons some of us learn is that our Assumptions about what we think someone would thing, be or do are wrong. This includes after death- because our personalities, beliefs, thoughts and actions all continue on after we die. Our gift as Mediums to the Social Justice movement is implicit. When we share others’ truths and stories; when we operate from a place of connection and community, we are reminded that there is a place we can all meet behind the conditioning of our childhood (and adulthood to a degree), the dogma we develop from our beliefs and ideologies, and the social constructs and systems we live and operate within. When we open from the Heart and learn to truly see and hear others, we begin to live from that place of peace that allows for a connection to Others. Person to person. Heart to Heart. In returning to Wholeness ourselves, we become the place that others can pause and step into their Wholeness.
Life is a returning to Wholeness. We are born Whole- we are broken as we grow. At a certain point, the closer we get to the End of our Lives if we are afforded the oppurtunity to age and grow old, the pieces start to come back together and we return to ourselves- new, changed, and with the Wisdom only lived experience can give us. Wholeness is a return to truth- our Truth. It is a return to Authenticity. It is a knowledge that we are our own Home- and it becomes the part of ourselves that no one else can take away no matter what situation we find ourselves inside. It’s a Journey Home- a return and remembering of our Heart. When we remember the Heart, recognize our Soul as the anchor that is Home.
This cannot be forced- it cannot be rushed. It must be created and each vulnerability met with love, acceptance, compassion and grace.
May this writing unfold at exactly the right time and exactly how is needed. May I be content with what is said and understand that my understanding is limited to what I know in this moment. May I always be open to grow and change- inside myself, my beliefs, my personal philosophies and inside the World I operate within.
May I shine and brighten my corner of the World- and may I remember that I am enough exactly as I am in this moment.